Today, near the end of 2012, seems to me there are way too many DJs. Still, right now, as we speak, there are even more people just beginning their careers as DJs. Will these people be good DJs? Who knows. And, if you’re already a DJ, which, there’s a good chance that you are, are you a good DJ? What makes a good DJ? I’m not sure. Neither are they. No one’s quite sure anymore, since there are way too many DJs already. Either way, I put together this very subjective list of things you ought do if you are just now beginning your career as a DJ. Even if you’ve been a DJ for a while, check this list and make sure you’re either doing, or have already done, all this stuff. It’s pretty important. After all, you’re a DJ, right? And a pretty damn good one at that, if you do say so yourself.
1. Have, or Get, some Music.
Pretty simple right? If you’re going to DJ, you’re going to need music to DJ. Go get some. Buy some cds, download some music, get an ipod, buy some record albums, some 45s, something. Do you know what albums are? They’re these things made of wax, about the size of a large pizza, people used to play them on turntables, which are these semi-electronical things that spin around. They’ve got an ‘arm’ and a ‘needle’. 45’s? They’re kind of like small albums, but with only one song. Make sure you get enough music though, people don’t want you playing the same 5 o 6 songs over and over again. Some DJs don’t care. You should.
2. Think of a DJ name.
Most of the really good DJ names are already taken. Grandmaster Flash, DJ Phase 1, Skrillex, DJ Premier. Those are choice names if you’re a DJ, but someone already has those. That doesn’t mean there aren’t still some cool names no one has yet. Think of one that matches your personality, or your style of DJing. Not sure what you’re style is? Don’t worry about it, neither are most DJs. Close your eyes and open them really fast and the first thing you see can be your DJ name. I just did this, so, my new DJ name is DJ Green Underwear On The Floor. What’s yours? Your DJ name is kind of important, don’t slack.
3. Start telling people you are a DJ.
This one’s pretty important. For most DJs, the absolute most important thing in their lives is that they are a DJ. It’s very important for you to tell this information to as many people as possible. Tell anyone, often, loudly. Proclaim this to the masses, or, to your friends, regularly. Even if you haven’t DJ’d anywhere, it’s important people know that You Are A DJ. Seems girls like DJs. There are even lots of girls who are DJs themselves. They don’t seem to tell everyone as often as their male counterparts, but so what. This isn’t about them, it’s about you. It doesn’t matter that you’re essentially just cueing up someone else’s music, let the world know that YOU ARE A DJ. Because you are, right? Hells yeah.
4. Act Like A DJ.
This one is key. You don’t see astronauts going around acting like mailmen do you? No, you do not. It’s important to know how to act the part, so people will believe you. DJ’s are no different. What you’ve got to do first is to learn how to pretend to know way more about music than anyone else. You’ve got to dismiss anyone else’s opinion about music, and, this is key: You’ve got to belittle anyone else’s opinion of what good music is, and wait, this one’s even more key: You absolutely must hate all ‘popular’ music, and pepper your music-talk with phrases like, “oh that? That’s rubbish mate..”, when someone tells you what music they like. You should also have lots of obscure references about music at the ready, like, “St. Etienne’s first album was produced in a fishtank..”, something like that. It’s not important, but to DJs, it is. You should also smoke cigarettes, preferably something exotic and fancy, like Cloves. And, even though your job is to play music for people to dance to, you yourself as a DJ must almost never dance. You might nod your head a little here and there, but to all out dance is an absolute no. In fact, best if you don’t know how to dance. WTF is dancing anyway? You’re a DJ, not a dancer. Right?
5. DJ in front of at least one person.
Could be your mother, your brother, your girlfriend, your neighbor, anyone will do. People who just DJ for themselves aren’t real DJs at all, those are just people who like music. You gotta DJ for a crowd, and, in some cases, that crowd can be just one person. Find that person and get your mo fo groove on.
6. DJ.
Now that you’ve taken these steps to be an official DJ, it’s now your time to actually DJ. What this comprises, essentially, is playing music. Let The Music Play. Get behind the turntables, or CDJs, or hook up your computer or your ipod, whatever, however you’ve decided to present yourself as a DJ, and play some music. Twiddle knobs a lot. Look down intensely at what you’re doing, don’t look at the crowd too much, after all, who cares what they’re doing anyway? You’re there for you. You’ve worked this damn hard to get to be a DJ, so now, take the moment, it’s yours. Play what you like. Do NOT take requests, because, again, who cares what the crowd likes, you’re the damn DJ after all, you know more about music than the entire crowd combined. Shoo people away from your DJ set up if they come close. If someone in the crowd approaches you while you’re DJing, strain to hear them, then, ignore what they’ve said, you’re playing your set, and they shouldn’t be bothering you. Your set is yours, not theirs. Do not respond to what the crowd appears to want, you’ve practiced your set for weeks, and therefore, you cannot deviate, you know what they want to hear more than they do. You’re the DJ, right? They’re just a bunch of people who came to dance and hear music, what do they know? NEVER play ‘popular’ music, there’s nothing worse a DJ can do than play music that lots of people like. This is not your job, your job is to educate them, show them what really good music is, because after all, you know, you’re the DJ, right? It’s best if you play music with almost no words, just lots of beeps and blips and dangerous sounds, this music makes it appear that you are a music expert, and who wants to hear stupid words and choruses and melodies anyway, right? Remember to look really really tense while you’re DJing, and to have almost no interaction with the crowd, it’s your world, you’re on the moon, you’re DJing on the moon, and only you matter on the moon.
